A sampling of letters and photos of loss gathered throughout UVU's performance of Eurydice by Sarah Ruhl
Special thanks to John Rees and his UVU photography students
To the Family that once was,
I lost you
between the days,
between heavy sighs and astonished eyes.
I lost you
between the smiles
and the lies.
I lost you between
certainty and uncertainty,
between fear and love,
between trust and mistrust.
I lost you
when you didn't listen,
when I was no longer heard.
I lost you and it was a surprise!
But the context,
the trust"
is missing
and there is only the letting go.
And I love you, and somehown I know you love me too.
I love you and thank you
for the teachers you have been.
I lost you years ago.
And I love you and wish
for my little brother who was once so playful,
for my beautiful, younger sister,
for my brother, who use to play with me outside on sunny days,
for Mommy who wasn't really comforiable being a monrmy
for Daddy, who tried to make it right ...
I wish for you
that you dream big and
may the dreams manifest
in loving and trustful ways.
I wish for you
loving relationships.
I wish for you
all the best,
all the time,
forever more.
Love,
Your Sister
(New York)
I prayed that God would take away my feelings for you.
Instead he took away your feelings for me.
I miss you
I miss you
Dear Jordan,
Jordan, what do you say when you have this opportunity? Right?
I miss you.
You know, I don't know where to start and now I am awkwardly typing while I am trying to decide what to
say to you...
I still haven't deleted your number out of my cell phone. I hope that you will call and your name will pop up on the caller ID.
IT’S SILLY, I KNOW, BUT I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO DELETE IT.
I used to call it just to hear your voice on the voicemail. I know, I'm ridiculous.
I have to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't notice anything was wrong when you called.
I should have known you were calling to say goodbye, I just should have seen the signs.
I'm sorry you felt like you had to go.
I should have noticed and I should have been there for you.
I'm sorry.
The night I found out that you were gone, I left my house and walked.
I just walked and thought.
I thought about how mad I was at you for doing that.
I screamed for you to come back and hold me.
I thought about how IT WASN'T TRUE AND I WOULD WAKE UP.
That didn't happen.
I sang at your funeral.
I don't know if you heard me, (could you hear me?) but I was singing it to you.
“Hold your head up high and don’t be afraid of the dark... you will never walk alone.”
That is still true.
I am still here for you even when you're gone.
I love you so much,
JP
Dear Julie,
I feel ashamed that I am claiming more loss than I have a right to. I did not know you well though I liked you a lot and thought you would become a close friend. But I was hurt when you spurned me sometimes, not really understanding how much depression disrupted your life, paralyzed you, even though I had experienced some of the same-- never to the degree you experienced. I am so sorry not to have been a better friend, though I also know that nothing anyone did would have been likely to help. I know you tried everything you could think of and nothing helped. But what a terrible shame. You were so lovely, smart, funny, unique. I don't believe in God or an afterlife, but somehow I still hope you achieved some measure of peace. I hate to think of you alone, more alone, still alone, perpetually alone. Goodbye Julie. I will think of you often.
Susan
I wish I could go back and do something that would have made you think twice about taking your life that night. I wish I could have shown you how much you meant to me. Do you know how much you still mean to me, how much I think about you? They aren't always good thought. But I'm sure you know that too. I don't trust people anymore. You were my best friend and then you left me. I'm afraid that it will happen again. Maybe that's why I'm afraid of even considering marrying Karson. What if I lost him too? Is that crazy of me to say? I don't think so. People already look at me as if I'm crazy anyways. I might as well say the truth. People don't know what to say when I tell them our story. How we used to hate each other all throughout elementary school and even Jr. High. But then we quickly became best friends. We talked about how we hated our mothers, and you would buy me lunch when my parents were too broke to give me any money. We talked about everything and I loved you. You were my hero. That all stopped the night you called and said goodbye. Did you know that I had nightmares every night for a long time after that? I kept seeing your body. The shotgun shells. And I was angry at you for a very long time. And then it just stopped one day. Now all I feel when I think of you is sadness and loneliness. And love. I do still love you Brandi. I always have, and it's not likely to go away in this lifetime. I had a dream awhile ago. I saw you playing with your kids. The ones you never had. When I get up there, I had better be Godmother to all of them. It's how it should be. I wish you were here at college with all of us. You were the smartest one our of the 4 of us. I hate the idea of living the rest of my life without you, it would have been so much better with you here. But I will also not let your decisions hold me back, just push me forward. You were always perfect in my mind.
I love you, S.D.
(Written on turtle paper)
Dear Speedy,
Why did you have to run away? I was just getting to know you. Didn't I take good care of you? Did I say something wrong? I promise I will stop taking you to show and tell. Please come back. I'm sure we can work things out just between the two of us. Just give me another chance. Please?
Love,
A distressed little girl
Dear Lauren,
I miss you. I wish you were here.
I wish you did not move.
Your BFF,
Bunkie
Papa,
Today is the 16th anniversary of your death... I don't even know where to begin. I don't remember you much - just flashes and random memories; watching the moon rise, receiving Disney princess barbies every year for my birthdays. I remember you used to pronounce "popcorn" like "poopcorn." I remember having to be picked up by my mom on weekends that you had us because you would get into fights with Sharee. But I also remember you playing the guitar and singing me to sleep.
There are times when I feel I should be mad at you - for cheating, for leaving, for dying. I still don't know how you died. I'm afraid to ask. I've never been able to be mad at you though. The only thing that upsets me is that I never got to know you. I have so many questions I want to ask you. So many things I want to share with you. I want to make you proud, and I can't because you are gone.
I was so young when you died. You left 5 children behind and 2 broken-hearted women. I'm not mad at you... I just miss you. I'm writing this letter in class and trying not to cry. It is hard.
I love you,
Your Daughter
For Good, Wicked
(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you...
(Elphaba) Because I knew you...
(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.
"I have heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason."
Thank you for all you have Changed,
"You'll be like a handprint on my heart."
(Written on a Wegman’s Diced Tomato Label)
Dear June,
All these decades later, I still have to check myself to keep from calling you Miss Felder. I didn’t receive the note you customarily sent to me upon receiving your annual Groundhog Day Greeting, and so of course it gradually dawned on me that you had passed on. I know your nieces’ last name, so I couldn’t look up a phone number to call and check on you. So I did what any retired librarian would do – I googled your name and “obituary.” This was probably April of last year.
There it was: Someone at St. Timothy’s had lit candles and offered prayers for the departed on your behalf. I’m sorry, I didn’t get the opportunity to say goodbye, but I am grateful for our long visit in 1997, when you could see the adult I had grown into and I could thank you for your love and acceptance and recognition of who I am…a treasured bequest you gave an awkward 17-year-old trying to find her place in this world. You showed me that “different” is a gift. You gave me courage and hope. You affirmed me. Whenever I war the turquoise necklace, I’m wearing your mantle.
love you – M.
(Virginia)
Grahamster,
Can you believe we had another boy? Seriously…of course we have two sons! (By the way, so glad that after 17 years, you can finally read my writing !) I wish so much that you were here for all of this. You would be beside yourself about Will. He is incredible. I dream of you two getting to play together.
And you son – he is absolutely still the love of my life. My dream come true. Our hearts still flutter when we see each other. So may good times. Wish so much you were here to see and experience it all.
In my heart and soul I guess I get by every day thinking that you somehow are seeing it all. I can feel you smiles and pride for our whole “scene.” A little circus you are shaking your head at.
I hear your voice still and feel your face. Crazy. Just would love one last glass of wine, laugh and high five with you. And for you to see your gandsons now and forever. They are the love of my life.
Miss you dear one. Smile and make everyone laught up there. Rocky and Atlas miss you too. You son is well. Just a dream. He’s pugging away without you, but it’s tough.
Love you dude; thanks.
(Colorado)
To Do List:
Drag myself out of bed
Try not to cry
Get dressed
Try not to cry
Turn your picture around
Try not to cry
Make it through the day without you around
(written on a newspaper obituary page)
17 years ago… your picture was on this page along with other loved ones who can never return to this dimension. I have been so brave and strong…every day I think of you and miss you and love you till my heart aches. I didn’t know I would be so lonely…I wish you were here to talk to, work side-by-side with – snuggle with and even fight with…LIFE IS EMPTY WITHOUT YOU!!
Your words the last day of your life “I will always love you” keep me going when things are bleak and I don’t know how to keep on…living, working, doing. I would never ask you to come back. But if you can – wait for me.
I will always love you too!!!
Andy,
It’s been 9 months since you left this world.
Not a day does by I don’t think of you.
Of us.
When Desi called New Year’s Eve, she didn’t want to tell me, “Go have fun.”
When she called New Year’s Day, I wasn’t prepared.
“Andy died.”
I didn’t want to hear it. I still don’t’ want to believe it.
It’s hard. It hurts.
You are a part of me that doesn’t go away. I miss you so much.
The tears are endless and the anger strong.
I know I will find balance just as you would want me to.
I have our memories.
I have your poems.
I have letters.
I have pictures.
I have artwork.
I have the clock you gave me and the shirt.
I even have the recording of your thoughts.
I just don’t have you.
You are flying free.
Soul Happy.
Until we meet again, I will see you in my dreams.
My lover, my soulmate, my best friend,
Don’t forget me, Moni
How do you make me feel like this?
Why is everything just so amazing and I want you
only you
cause you make me feel like it is all magic
a magic rainbow
and we cross it on a floating cloud
what a high
what an expression of love
How I need you to be so free
and yourself release the pain and share it let us become each other
We are a red ribbon twisting around the ringers of the confused
Did you know hell doesn’t exist?
And heaven is the love I found in you?
My dearest sweetheart, friend and lover,
As we sat close last night and discussed your pornography addiction, I could see my reflection in your eyes. I have gazed lovingly into your beautiful eyes, edged in golden-brown for almost three decades now. My heart breaks, knowing of the images that have been reflected there. If the eyes are the window to the soul, your soul has truly been taken captive. Was I really so naïve to not detect this mistress? Why didn’t I recognize the subtle clues that cream “infidelity” to me? Where is my love, my soft place to land when the world is chaos? Who will catch me now?
You addiction has isolated me. I have no support system for this burden of loss. Pornography is a very private addiction, misunderstood, rampant in society and full of social stigmas. I am left alone in my grief.
Confession has lightened your load, accumulated over the years; you feel renewal and hope. But the unintended pain I am experiencing is accompanied by intense loneliness, less, deep questioning and physical symptoms of nausea and weakness. Daily functioning is minimal and superficial. I have lost purpose.
The foundation we have been building for twenty-seven years has lost its integrity. Your secret makes me feel like damaged goods. Where do we go from here? Is there healing and recovery for us?
All my love for time and eternity,
Your friend, lover and spouse
(Logan, Utah)
You broke me into tiny pieces
I broke into you too
And then I built up high my wall
to never let you through
I feel safe with him
you never did
I feel happy now
you never did
I love him and you,
you never did
To my Unknown Wife and Companion,
I don’t know you, but I fear that I should. I write this letter as an apology; that’s all I can give at this time. What I am, or more accurately, what I’ve done to make me who I am, has been of great importance to me. I’ve always felt the need to understand myself before I am able to do so of others. But still, this sneaking fear has come upon me that in the search of knowledge and self-understanding, I lost you by the wayside.
Were you someone I knew? Where you a stranger? Would we laugh at the same jokes, or make meals together or lay on the bed some nights and just look into each other’s eyes?
I hope I can still find you, but if I can’t if I’ve lost that single most important window of opportunity, I offer up all I can to the unknown void. I’m sorry. It’s sad I can only send you a contraction and a verb, but I don’t know what more to say. I don’t know what makes you laugh or cry, or even something small like the smell of your perfume.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry
Sam,
I love and miss you. I miss the way you would jump on my lap and lick my hands.
I miss laying in the backyard with you. Thank you for making me happy
and I hope you're happier now.
Love, Me
Dad,
Hi, how are you? It’s been a long time. I’m not sure how to feel anymore. I remember a time when I would cry every day. I would just feel sad. I didn’t have my dad. We learned about families in school. Where was my family? You died.
I love you so much. I feel your energy running through me. It was too soon. I was only 2. You were only 21. Father’s Day isn’t fair. You know I’m older that you ever were. I’ve lived longer that you’ve been dead. You’ve been dead longer that you were alive. I love you.
What’s it like watching your daughter wanting to know you? I miss you. There are so many things I want you to teach me. I guess I learned them in my own way. My weakness is my strength. My loss; my power. Can I make you proud? Yes. I hope so. I am so proud I came from you.
Love you always, You Daughter
Dear Graham,
Here I am writing to you, finally, on the stationary you gave to me so many, many years ago. Attached here is the note you put on the package:
“I know you write nicely, and like to write, so to encourage you to write a little, without the task of migrating back from email to script seeming too intimidating, these note cards should be just the thing. Maybe I’ll even get one. They are under budget as well”
How eerie it is to be writing to you now, as if the paper gift was part of your thirty years premonition. I want you to know that in the instant you traveled beyond this existence, I knew two facts which have sustained me:
1. You would never have left me if you had had the choice, and,
2. I know what to do about business and personal matters because of our long life together. WWGD What Would Graham Do?
I still “love you a latte” and I will love you forever.
Your Debbi,
PS “The kids are all right!”
(On a Thanksgiving Card)
To the Family of my Youth,
Why can’t Thanksgiving and family holidays gatherings be like they used to be? We would have such fun sitting around the table just talking about old times and exciting news. Grandma Lamping’s house would be filled with wonderful smells and we wouldn’t get our hand slapped for sneaking an olive or a cracker ahead of time. Grandma’s homemade cookies (all kinds) were brought out after dinner in colorful tines. Homemade zucchini break, and pumpkin (and the occasional pecan) pies were topped with Cool Whip. Then we’d sit around in the living room while the men watched the football game and the women washed dished and played cards. There was no pressure to out-do each other, to out-eat each other, or out-talk one another. We were kind and considerate of one another when someone talked and there was never any hurt feelings or yelling (outside of the cheer when a goal was made!)
Grandma Lamping and Grandpa Lamping, I miss you most of all, Thanks for keeping your family close when we were young. I miss that now more than ever.
XOXOXO, Your Grand-daughter
Dear Dad,
I want you to know how much I miss you and love you. It has now been six years since you left, and it has been hard, but your courage and positive attitude toward life has been a constant strength to me through these years since you passing.
I want you to know that you are my hero. From a very young age, you knew what you wanted out of life and your pursued it with all of your passion and vigor you could muster. You willingly went off to war to keep our nation safe from the Nazi’s and the Japanese government. Afterwards, you continued on serving your nation with honor and dignity. During my formative years, you always provided for our family, and were a constant example of hard work, determination and faith. I learned so much from you. I may have not grown up in a house of extreme wealth, but I grew up in a wealthy household. The wealth of unconditional love, acceptance, safety, humor, joy, and a knowledge that I was of extreme worth and that I could do anything my heart desired if I just had the courage to go for it!
You love for mother was an extremely wonderful example to me. How one person can love someone completely, with all of their heart, mind and soul. You constant care of her, your absolute respect for her as your partner was a part of the joy and love that you brought to our home. Through this beautiful fifty-seven year marriage, you taught me about true love, how to love and be loved, and what unselfishness can bring to one’s life.
I love you Dad, with all of my heart. I will forever be grateful to you for your life and how my life has truly been changed for the better from knowing you and having you in my life. Where ever you are, know that I truly love you, and that love will last forever.
Love, your Son
Dear Grandma Donna,
You are beautiful. Thank you for supporting me in all I do. I remember when I first met you and you sang me into a corner and sand, “6 foot 2, eyes of blue.” You had a beautiful singing voice. Thank you for always being so interested in all my theatrical endeavors and love life. I wish you could be in my life still. I wish you could be at my future wedding. I know I’ll feel you beautiful presence. Thank you for you wonderful son. I’m so blessed to have him as my stepfather. He has loved my mother the best she’s ever been loved in her entire life. I’m so thankful for their love and happiness. It means the world to me. It gives me hope to know that love and marriage can last. I will be at your funeral this weekend. I know you are happy and safe in heaven with our father there.
I love you, Me
My Darling Eric,
Since you left us I have been searching for your face, your cherubic vision and constant smile...everywhere, in a crowd, on TV, in dreams, even in rocks found on the earth, and in the paint patterns on the ceiling of our bedroom! Sometimes I see you! I am always wondering what you look like as you have grown up....you are now 40 years old, here, on this plane...I think I have read that there is no time in eternity. I am not worrying though, I have your incredibly glowing spirit tucked deep in my soul, always. I have all the things you said and did in those four years locked forever in MY memory and soul. As Eric Clapton sang in his song to his lost son, “Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?”...Would you? Are you near? Are we connected in spirit? Please send me a sign if....This love is for eternity.
mom
To one of my best friends from High School:
A brain tumor took you away from us much too soon
"You were too young. You left behindyour beautiful
family and many others who love and miss you"
I will always remember the great times we
shared to gether, especially those long ago
nights we slept on the trampoline in your backyard
and looked at the stars and dreamed of our future.
shared to gether, especially those long ago
nights we slept on the trampoline in your backyard
and looked at the stars and dreamed of our future.
We all miss your gentleness, your laugh, your kindness, your sensitivity.
You always knew how to comfort and how to cheer for us.
We miss you.
Dear Daddy,
When are you coming back? We miss you. I got married and you weren't there. Matt did a good job, though, and whether you like it or not, we thought of you all day. I won't forget the little things about you - because I think if I do a good enough job of that - you might be at the next big event.
If I could have anything it would be to come home to Fairway and see you napping on the couch in the warm late afternoon. You'd have the lights off and the shutters closed, you'd have your Birkenstocks under the hall bench, and your black-socked feet up on the ottoman. You'd have your arms crossed and your chin on your chest.
You have a whole spot in my memory for yourself.
Love,
Y
PS Matt and Robin are having a baby!
Dear Past Me,
I lost my lack of responsibility. I, at times, desperately want it back. To be able to run with it, to immerse myself in it. Where did you go and why can’t I find you again? Is it because unlike Peter Pan, I have to grow up? You never know how blissfully unaware of how precarious life can be until you grow up and have to face it head one. Sometimes I don’t miss you at all, but I would be kidding myself if I said that I never imagine myself being with you again.
Love, Present Me
